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Well, where can I start, how about, I go to Stony Brook! Well, some of you might say, well what's so bad about that? I'm gonna tell you whats bad about that and why my life is never going to be the same again. I remember the first time I stepped onto the ground of this "Hellhole" a.k.a Stony Brook. It was orientation week and that day was the first day of the well known bad luck "Domino Effect." Let me tell you what's wrong with that, exactly what's wrong with that. The day that I put Stony Brook on my application, was the day when God laughed at me. I didn't know it than but I was destined to constant suffering. At first I was quite impressed with what this Hellhole presented. The campus was quite attractive with lots and lots of trees and nice big buildings. But once again like I said my luck was forever changed and the day couldn't end on a positive note. The next thing I knew, I was moving into my suite and my roommate was a smelly, cat cooking, karaoke playing, color coding, chinese fag. (No I am not a racist, I am just politically incorrect) Well, at that time I had a sudden thought to run and run far, but who was I kidding, I'm on Death Row. As the days went by, my roomate (Cock<---- yes, thats his name, or better known to all his gay buddies as Ka Suen) began developing a repulsive odor. The son of a bitch never showered. I woke up thinking I was stuck in a gas chamber filled with Jock straps while somebody was farting in my face. As if that wasn't enough, his daily cooking sprees have begun. Cat soup at 4 in the morning anyone? (And I'm not kidding). And how can we forget about our little Chinese Karaoke nights. Where all his little asian buddies have gathered in a circle while singing to the brand new pop sensations of the Chinese charts. Wait, it gets better, I had MAP103(Profficiency High School Algebra) with Mike Boccicio better known as "PedoArcheryMike". He always made us feel better about ourselves no matter how bad we felt. Just listening to his stories about his trips to Syracuse in his 75 Ford Tempo and the imaginary friends he claimed he had. His tales about the working in camp as an "Archery Instructor", while taking pictures during swim time with 11 year old boys. His made us laugh, cry, throw up, or just plain collapse.( Well it could of been because of lack of sleep) And what did it for us was the last day before winter break, where our little Mikey brought us some dougnuts and sausages to munch on. DOUGNUTS AND SAUSAGES!!!!! how more direct can you be? Yes this is a true story.
Let's move on to the day when me and my friend Arthur snapped and stopped giving a fuck. Now, that's when the fun started. My friend Arthur started making harassing phone to Mike, which caused our PedoBoy to go into a stage of rage, treatening to call the police and have us arrested at the day of the final. But common did you really think we were going to get ou of this Death Chamber that easy? No Way. And so started a wave of PrankCalls". We called every single asian, indian, queer, mexican, pakistanian person on campus selling "Dwarf Pakistani Pedophelic children" and how forget the "Cum Stained matresses". Well, this also didn't go to well, and my current roommate Vitaly had a meeting with officer Stomp". But knowing and his moral reasoning including his immaculate credibility, he was able to convince the officer from taking us all to jail. We didn't even have community service. Let's talk about Vitaly, first this chem loving, rational reasoning, morally thinking, teacher kissass became my roommate. His old roommate Aquille is well known on the West Side. This kid had 55 posters of Tupac, including the rare, never before seen Death Row shot of Tupac in Adult pampers.(with wings) His "friendly character" was always welcoming everyone with open arms and was a great friend to everybody, especially Stephaine who he threatened with a plastic fork. I still don't understand how he did that since the guy is as blind as a Ray Charles in the middle of a dark night. And, remembering the times when we Wizard sprayed his closet which reaked of dead rats since the guy only used his toothpaste for cleaning his shoes and his Tupac posters. Arthur is one of the most hillarious people I have ever met. This kid's imagination is unbelievable. He is the "God of Pranks". Some of the shit that he has pulled in amazing.This term has been a little bit more stable than my first term here. Vitaly escaped "The TupacLoving Italian", and now he's my roommate. He's making millions with his Chem teaching. Where's my paycut you bastard. He's funny though, I love it when he uses his "Rational Reasoning" to prove to me that black is really white. We talk about BS all the time. His girlfriend Donna is cool too. In the beginning she always assumed that life in Stony Brook is the best thing that could ever happen. But after coming here a couple of times and visting Taco Bell, her view on our little lives here has completely changed. Which gets us to another topic "Taco Bell", which we will thoroughly describe in the next Caption.
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Let's make this short and sweet. Whoever created Taco Bell, whoever you are, I hope you burn in hell! I can't even count the number of times I had my esophagus burning and my intestines melting. And trust me I'm not the only one. For crying out loud, I could almost breath fire.Have you ever ordered a Taco and it has bean smeared on it? Or ordered nachos and it had chucks of meat floating in it? Well I have. Have you ever spit acid? I did. Have you ever felt like you someone was cutting up your stomach without anestethia? I did. Have you ordered a burrito and wondered, is that shit inside or is it my imagination. Once again, I have! You might wonder what the fuck are the ingredients. Well being a good detective as I am, I've done the proper research to come to a conclusive answer. When I just came here I noticed a great amount of squirrels and cats running around the campus. As time progressed that number sharply decreased. I kept finding dead squirrels with their stomachs split open and all the intestines and the meat gone. Yes my dear friends, the ingredients are finally revealed. Hey I should get a reward for this finding dont you think? Well anyways, as if you we didn't get enough of our mexican delight here, Stony Brook once again offers us another delicious treat, Pizza! Let me make a correction on that, "Pizza soup" to be mopre exact. I remember I bought a slice of "Boscoe's Pizza" ( who Boscoe is will be explained shortly) and had it all fall on your pants. Yes, with "normal" pizza this accident could have been prevented, but this is not normal let me remind you, this is Stony Brook. Boscoe is our cook. The reason we named hime Boscoe is because he dressed like a fucking clown on Halloween. And he just remind us of that clown from the movie "It". That's how this all came about.
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